Dancing at the Pity Party by Tyler Feder

It’s been a little bit since I really stopped and let myself feel the grief, and the truth of the matter is that you can’t ignore it. The first reason I’m giving it five stars is that it’s exactly what I needed.

Like I’m saying “woohoo! Your heartfelt memoir about the unimaginable pain of losing your mom to cancer was so good!” That’s not quite what I mean here. The book is really useful as a kind of 'self-help' book for those who have lost loved ones, who will get to relive their grief (a process than can of course be a rich and usually useful experience) and think deeply about their dead friends and relatives and also a sweet memoir of her mother, a kind of model for us. It's Feder's basic grief strategy, actually, as you can see that she still, ten years later, cries but also laughs a lot about her Mom, whom I expect she will never stop grieving (I can say from personal experience as an older, more experienced griever). No one was loved more in her life than her Mom, but sort of blunt and possibly slightly 'inappropriate' humor (I guess being inappropriate is what makes humor humor, often times) that is consistent with her mom and family dominates the book.

This book about Chicagoan Jewish Tyler Feder and the loss of her mother (from cancer, at 47) has a title that might be off-putting for some, but I understand it. I'm just saying here that that was my experience. and more food than I have ever experienced seeing (or eating). My first experience with 'sitting shiva' (the required mourning time) was one where laughter quickly bled into tears, and vice versa.

And not to generalize too much or stereotype but it was easy for me to see the differences between my dour, serious Dutch Calvinist upbringing where we couldn't even dance at weddings, and I recalled no laughter at funeral parlors or in dinners after funerals, whereas at Jewish ceremonies, whether weddings or funerals, there seemed to be so much joy. While I am not Jewish, I have had a lot of experience with Jewish culture through friends and one long term relationship where I was accepted as an 'honorary Jew' and of course family member.

Dancing at the Pity Party by Tyler Feder